it’s been a month. a long, empty month. on the personal side of things it’s been busy: i got engaged, i’m finding myself at times overwhelmed (in a good way) at work, i’ve been planning the wedding and taking trips out of town, i tried to quit smoking (i didn’t succeed, so don’t ask).

& i’m writing, only i’m not writing poetry.

it’s been empty because of what happens between all the busy, the evenings ahead of me dotted with nothing. no painting my nails, no doing my laundry, no cleaning my house. getting the christmas decorations up was impressive, i guess, but everything else feels so stagnant.

i keep waiting for the chance to make it better. un-erase it, fill the colour back in. in the meantime i’m lonely, and feeling detached from the people i love. i want a room with everyone in it, where no one can hear a word except for exactly what’s meant for them but can’t seem to be said.

Photo 2014-11-30, 1 05 26 PM

in the spirit of lists, reserved so often for february, i have written a list for december.

1 melting snow
2 my breath on the glass, too early in fall
3 crumpled cigarette packs in the backseats of cars; a bottle of juice
4 making (difficult) decisions
5 the tour, still the tour, but what do i say
6 apologizing
7 asking for favours
8 hands inside sleeves, of sweaters, sweaters like blankets, blankets like old conversations with friends, friends like a memory, a memory of hands inside sleeves of sweaters
9 vintage books, lace, ribbon, high heeled shoes
10 ohhh chainsmoking, a habit, old habits
11 not forgetting, despite lack of words

the open mic this month was particularly good. the people i know are particularly good. they aren’t all here and i find i notice that fragmentation more and more as winter edges closer, but they are particularly good. i will never not notice.


i’m this close to starting a “lists” category on my blog. for this list, or “new boy resolutions”, or in your wildest jesslyn dreams. this list came to thirty. i may need to lower my standards.

1. he’ll adore me and i’ll adore him, but sometimes we’ll probably have sex with other people.
2. he’ll have a car.
3. he’ll have a dope job. not to be confused with a job selling dope. not that i’ll care what he’ll do for a living. anyway.
4. he’ll have a loft condo.
5. he’ll only ask me over on weeknights.
6. he’ll be so into sports he won’t even know i’m there.
7. he’ll only watch movies that i want to watch, when i’m around.
8. he’ll force-feed me fruits & vegetables. especially when i complain about it.
9. he’ll call me for girlfriend stuff, but also for sex. except he’ll text me because i don’t like phone calls.
10. he’ll still do all the non-boyfriend stuff in bed.
11. he’ll drive me to work in the morning and stop at starbucks on the way.
12. he’ll wear ties & smoke cigarettes.
13. he’ll never take me shopping, ever, ever.
14. he’ll wine & dine me, but only at home.
15. he’ll listen to all my girl whining & we’ll both pretend he’s really listening.
16. he’ll be tall, but only to me.
17. he’ll like my pet fish and not mind that i have mild fits of insanity because he’ll get that it’s not his problem.
18. he’ll be quiet.
19. he’ll ignore my texts.
20. he’ll eventually not ignore me, but there will be the unspoken promise that he will again.
21. he’ll leave me alone when i want to be left alone.
22. he’ll call someone else if i can’t cater to him tonight.
23. he’ll have the most comfortable clean blankets that will always smell like laundry. except he won’t, because he’ll be kind of gross.
24. he’ll have a sweet collection of badass shoes.
25. he’ll be totally badass. totally.
26. he’ll get drunk in bed with me and listen to music.
27. he’ll only see me in black lingerie & we’ll pretend it’s the only underwear i own.
28. he’ll be apolitical or at least not care.
29. he’ll have fantastic. fucking. hair.
30. he’ll be completely in control & so will i.

it’ll be fucking awesome.
i’m pretty sure it’s called true love.

new list.

reasons i’m not giving up.

1. i got rid of the hat.
2. i have a date this week.
3. i have only a few friends, and i treat most of them like shit, but they are still my friends. they are always there when it’s really needed.
4. i’m working.
5. it’s fall!
6. i’m going to stop drinking (as much).
7. i have the best pros & cons list ever.
8. the terrible day i was dreading finally came and it wasn’t so bad after all.
9. i love my room & bed.
10. at least i have gunther.


things i would have said, if i were better at saying:

1. i don’t know how i’ll ever afford it.

2. four months ago the guy at the quickie almost didn’t sell me cigarettes and i’m still just as lazy as i am impatient, and i don’t have an age of majority card.

3. i’m scared of everything except you (simple).

4. i brought the drawer from my old bed out of the closet and put it in the window, to appear in backgrounds of blurred photos. now it’s behind the fish tank and still funhouse mirrored.

5. i miss your mouth, or just the way it never parted open.

6. the traffic is fantastic, it sounds dry & a little unhealthy.

7. nothing could have felt better than loneliness in that room, here it’s an ounce or so too heavy.

8. i feel childish & glad.

9. there is no way i’d ever really bother you with all these irrelevant, boring, boring thoughts.

10. beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice!


old lists.

1. winter is going to be over in a couple of months
2. smoking
3. aerospace engineering
4. rain, wet cement, last spring with you
5. i’m hungry
6. the night sky never looks black anymore
7. his skin feels good, i feel like we fit, i feel like he has a part of me i lost
8. history paper
9. four flights of stairs (plus four more) to class… only one to the bar
10. i’m still hungry
11. i never make lists
12. i drink too much caffeine

new lists.

1. restless insomnia
2. hieroglyphics
3. it must be exactly the same month, or this wouldn’t be happening
4. the box of my childhood keepsakes in the spare room: a baseball, a drum stick, a puppet
5. i still drink too much caffeine
6. we broke up (less than a month later)
7. poetry
8. my dad hasn’t returned my call but i don’t think he has a job he needs to be at
9. ohhh chain smoking
10. the old habit of watching movies that make me cry while i overlook the street, a nepean habit, a hammerbar habit, lonesome, nostalgic, uncanny
11. i have to go to school