more simply, i could have not said it. there are things i don’t say all the time. there are a lot of words i think of later. there are a lot of words i promise i will never say, not out loud. so yeah. i could have not said it. i could have not said any of it.
the truth is that i got fucked up in between. there was something that happened to me, the worst thing that has happened to me since i was too young to recognize BAD THINGS. not in an easy “omfg this is the worst thing to ever happen to me fml” way. in a very IRL way that had lingering & terrible effects on me. this should never have happened, but i let it. and the truth is that i wanted it and didn’t care about the consequences. because i didn’t know what those would be, of course. (of course!)
and in the end i told myself that i’d never do that again. in the future, i’d always say everything there is that can be said, if i think it should be said, because saying has to be better than not saying, words are all i’ve ever had & known, if i can say i can breathe, etc. etc. words do not allow for BAD THINGS to exist. words are there to get me through. no. not supermuch the case. (what do you meeeean supermuch is not a word? but i still think that.)
if sorrys meant something, i’d give it a shot. sorry for lying, sorry for hurting, sorry for reacting, sorry for not trusting, sorry for taking it out on the wrong person, sorry for apologizing, sorry for caring, for giving, for wanting, for asking, for for for for. irrelevant. no one hears it, they pick & choose. i could have said it/not said it. no difference. sorrys don’t lead to caring and caring brings you nowhere, back in circles.
but the truth is that there was a wrong person.
there was a right one. and there was a wrong one.
and are you FUCKING kidding me was for the right one.
the rest was for the wrong one.
and yeah. i could have not done that. that would have been just as easy as what i did do, what did happen, what the truth is. i could have not said. but i still think that.