smaller.

if there were a choice i’d be scarred
and unpretty, you could
not hold it against me that i
wear mascara

we broke it off on the porch in
mid-august, over raccoon eyes, my
pigtails, that i’d been drinking beer
with my friends,
my oversized sweatshirt,
my lack of a bra

you smudge eyeliner off with the
back of your hand, play
finders keepers with
me even
now

i guess i am smaller than
you are in more ways than one

simplicity.

it’s only august but i can feel fall coming through the windows. sweaters hang off the ends of my arms on walks home from work, and it’s already dark when we lock up the office. it never lasts long enough. even when there’s still all the time in the world it never feels like it’s enough. part of me knows that it’s boredom, anxiety and excitement for my fourth and final year of school, carleton sweaters with kristina and a graduation at the end. i’m anxious for time to speed up and pick away at me, i wait for it here on the other side of the bedroom window. the air doesn’t come through on its own. i want everything, and i want to do nothing to get it, and there are things i want that i’m beginning to think that i shouldn’t try for. i need to put in more hours while i can and still try and force myself into a strictly part-time routine. i need to focus on me and on school, and on finishing, and not devote every waking second to coffee pots and filing cabinets and cleaning up the client rooms. every year i tell myself the same thing and every year i wind up in the same place, never where i thought i would. i’ve quit classes for jobs in less than heartbeats, how when i was younger i’d quit jobs for boys and boys for their friends and sometimes it just boils down to the fact that my impulses have bred spontaneous dedication. i can’t slow down and i can’t quit anymore. i’ve committed myself more fully to everything this past year than i have ever done in my entire life. everything and, maybe more importantly, everyone. and fall is coming. i feel like it’s coming to take over, take charge. and i’m hoping it doesn’t damage those commitments. i hope it doesn’t take away what i’ve worked so damn hard to keep.