instincts.

i made a horrible mistake that was entirely preventable. i convinced myself it would be better to have you as friends. i thought it could be nice. i thought it would help me feel sane if i was all friendly and open and included in exchange for that. i cheated myself completely and became everything i’m not very good at. i let people into my home. i stayed late and shared cigarettes and told people things, secret things, and made myself vulnerable. i thought it could be nice.

i forgot that friends can abandon you, and will, once they’ve taken what they want from you. i forgot that there are no secrets, that they share everything they know of you. it makes for casual conversation. i forgot not to trust anyone, ever, or anything (scrape it off).

i spent three months destroying everything i’d spent three years building because i thought it could be fucking nice. it is ridiculously depressing. i don’t know what on earth i was fucking thinking. it was so much simpler when i used to use you and only showed up once a month.

never trust your instincts.
and never care about anyone. because no one cares about you.